In a popular TV commercial, Dr. Rick confronts homeowners who are 'turning into their parents' about the many things they have a hard time throwing out – car mats for cars they no longer have, old random pieces of crown molding, etc. While this commercial is very funny, many of us have had the not so funny experience of having to clean out someone’s home. Throwing out or discarding another’s possessions can feel as though we are getting rid of the person as well as the item and can be emotionally wrenching. There is so much we can do now to save our heirs from this uncomfortable experience, steps that will also increase our own quality of life in the now.
Hoarding
Hoarding is not the same as having too much stuff. The Mayo Clinic defines hoarding disorder as "…an ongoing difficulty throwing away or parting with possessions because you believe that you need to save them." Hoarding is different from collecting, which is a deliberate act. While collecting may result in a glut of items, it is usually easy for heirs to figure out exactly why these items were important to the deceased and how to sell, disperse, or donate them. It may be emotionally hard to sell someone’s collection of stamps, coins, or even old games, but there is a logic to collecting that removes at least some of the indecision around disposal. Hoarding is different. When items that seem to have no apparent meaning or significance are present during a home cleanout, it is up to the survivors to figure out why they were kept and whether they should be thrown away. My mother, who was very organized and certainly not a hoarder as we would normally picture one, had a collection of hundreds of old plastic food storage containers in her crawl space, washed and placed in clear plastic bags. I’d never known she kept them, and as these items could clearly have been recycled. It was a mystery to me why she saved them. Even though they were degraded and no longer usable for food storage, they were really difficult for me to get rid of.
If you are reading this article, even if you are a hoarder, it is likely a sign that you care about how your heirs will feel about disposing of your possessions. Please do not underestimate how wrenching this experience can be for them. Even if you don't get rid of a thing, writing down where you'd like things donated or giving people written permission to discard or throw them away removes a great emotional burden during a time when people are usually actively mourning. If you do feel that you have a problem with hoarding, professional help is available; please don't feel ashamed.
Steps to Take
The longer we live, the more we accumulate; that's just a fact for most of us. Unless we've actively downsized in the past five years, you have about 40% more stuff than you think you do. I'm going to give you a step-by-step way to begin decluttering, courtesy of Dana White from the website and podcast A Slob Comes Clean. Her "no mess" decluttering method is as follows:
- Start with real "trash" (yes, we all have some around our homes, no matter how tidy or clean we are). Walk around the room with an opaque black trash bag (so you won’t be tempted to pull things out if they catch your eye, go through closets, drawers, cabinets, and surfaces, and put anything that is actual trash into the bag. Items that may be trash, even if they do not immediately appear to be, can include boxes of matches with the flint worn off, a candle that is almost but not yet burned down, orange juice containers with one inch of juice left, broken items that potentially could be fixed but will never be (if you can be realistic with yourself about that), etc.
- Next, isolate items that are not trash but that you can donate with a clear heart. The box you put these items into should also be donatable, i.e. a cardboard box. Don't get a cute box with an attractive "stuff to declutter" label. You want to take your disposable/donatable box immediately to your car or place it on your porch for pick up. Don't get attached to the box because it's going to stop you from donating the items. Trust me. I speak from personal experience.
- Now, you are ready to identify and work with things that are "out of place." Out of place means that things are not in a location where you would automatically look for them. The location you'd go to first for something may not make sense to an outsider, but we are not being rational here; we are being intuitive. If you'd always automatically look for a flashlight in your bedroom closet rather than your utility drawer, keep your flashlights in there. "A place for everything and everything in its place" does not mean the place has to make sense to others. It must make sense to you so you can easily find the things you need.
When you find something out of place, take it to the place immediately. Don't create a pile of stuff in the corner of your living room with items that live all over your house with the idea that you will be "efficient" and take them there later in one fell swoop. You probably won't. How many of us have piles of these things that we never put away because we got tired and distracted during cleaning/decluttering? It seems like wasted energy to walk from room to room with just one item in your hands, putting things away one by one, but if you do this, you will slowly make actual progress rather than create a larger mess for yourself. This works. Try it. - If you find something and you don't remember you had it, ask yourself, "If I needed this item, would it occur to me that I already have one?" This will usually apply to more random, specialized items, like a special kind of wrench or a unique cooking implement. If you would indeed remember you owned one, take it to where you would instinctively look for it (remember, this is intuitive) and put it there. It now has a "place." If it would not occur to you that you had this, you'd probably go out and buy a new one and then discover it somewhere and feel badly, so consider donating it or throwing it away.
Once you've actively de-trashed/decluttered your home with this relatively straightforward plan, it's now time to consider your personal effects and how you'd like them handled when you die. They can fall into various categories:
- Items you really want someone else to have (remember, younger generations are not sentimental about furniture, collectibles, etc. Before you give something to someone, be sure they want it. Ask them, don't decide for them). Leave written instructions for these items.
- Items of real value. Consider getting these appraised so you can be sure they have actual value. We overvalue things we love, so some research is probably necessary here. (You could go on eBay or Etsy and see if anyone else is selling such things and for how much.). If you want to, you can sell them now or leave instructions and permission to sell those things (or donate them if no offers come through).
- Items that are good enough to be donated—things like quality clothing, books, and household items—should be listed under a heading like "Please take what you wish of my belongings, and anything left over, please donate to… (organization name).”
- Items that will not hold value for anyone or any organization should be thrown out. Please leave written permission for this.
Tackling physical possessions such as these can be difficult. In a recent article in the New York Times, Selena Jones, a grief therapist and decluttering coach, reminds us that, "People get caught up in the fear that if they let something go that is sentimental, that they will forget the memory.” She stresses, "But our memories live inside us, not in our things." You could keep a journal, where you write down the memory associated with things you are donating, or you can keep a picture in a scrapbook. A nice benefit of donating things now is you'll get a tax break. Use the money to treat yourself to a nice experience rather than more physical possessions.
Accounting for our items in this way removes a huge burden from our heirs as they settle our estates. It cannot be overstated that cleaning out your house without this kind of guidance, straight from you, adds extra stress to those who are already mourning your death. You can have conversations with people ahead of time or leave instructions for your executor. Either way, those you leave behind will thank you.
