I heard a quote once [which I’ll paraphrase]: "Don't start a non-profit if there is already one out there offering a similar mission. You'll only detract and diminish the work done by both. Instead, join forces to amplify."

I couldn't tell you who said it or in what context – but I really took that to heart. It wasn’t until after countless hours of research, that I decided my organization was "different enough" to warrant its own 'shingle' … and I also realized a foundation, 5k, golf tournament, or any other of 'the typical' honoring techniques just weren't for me – or my situation.

You see, my daughter died just after she was born while we were both still in the hospital (and both heavily sedated) ... She'd never played a single hole of golf (OK, maybe putt-putt in utero…?).  I, her mom, only runs towards ice cream and away from bears. And there are hundreds – if not thousands – of beautiful "Mom and Pop" foundations supporting pregnancy and infant loss families around the nation (I definitely didn't want to take away from their wonderful work!) Plus, none of these options felt 'right' to me. They didn't honor who I knew my daughter to be (even if others said I never truly got to know her) – and they definitely didn't play to my strengths as a trained thespian and tax accountant. (Don't ask!)

I wasn't going to ‘waste my time’ or ‘spin my wheels’ doing something that had already been done and didn't feel right in my soul. While I know some people know exactly, and immediately, what and how they're going to honor their loved ones; that just wasn't me. It took me five years to even come up with the general concept of Sharing Solace, then another (almost) four to decide how to manifest that concept into a physical item... [And if I’m being honest, for those nine years I felt a little like I was almost dishonoring my Madelyn – because I wasn't specifically honoring her. Come to find out the universe just wasn't ready for what I had to offer – yet...]

I share this part of my story because so many feel pressure to leave the funeral service and bee-line it directly to the lawyer's office to file their 501(c)3 paperwork for their non-profit {before their loved one’s body is even in the ground} for their actions to really ‘count.’ I vehemently disagree (even if it did take me a decade to come to that realization). I'll take quality over haste any day. {That's not to say if your heart is telling you what to do you shouldn't go out and do it as soon as you’re ready either. And also, you don’t ‘need’ to do something ‘grandiose’ or ‘spectacular’ either!}

There's a lyric I love from a Macklemore song that has stuck with me every day since I first heard it: "I heard you die twice. The first time is when they bury you in the grave and the second time is the last time someone mentions your name."

Think about it: we might not really have control over the first time our person dies...but we have complete control over our person's second death – right? Just speaking their name is an act of respect and legacy-building – is it not?

Let's explore some unique (and potentially more meaningful) ways to honor your person {than upending your whole life with a foundation or gobbling up your nights and weekends with a monumental memorial event}.

Here are just five ways you can ensure your loved one’s name and memory live on—while honoring them in ways that feel right to you – without breaking the bank or the calendar:

  1. Speak. Their. Name. No really. That’s it. One of my favorite ways to do this is by giving their name when ordering my coffee or putting in a reservation instead of my own. The business doesn't care (or probably even know what you’ve done) they just wanna get paid for your half-caf, triple shot macchiato with extra lavender foam... Plus, how special is it to hear someone else say your person’s name?
  2. Donate to causes that meant something to your person (or not). This doesn’t have to be financially either. It could be through your volunteer time, or in-kind donations. My grandmother died many years ago from Alzheimer’s Disease. It was a very slow and painful death for everyone involved {including myself, even through Grandma Phyllis was not the woman, wife, and mother those that knew her as a young woman knew – the disease had already started to take her mind by the age I was old enough to remember}. Each year, as a family, we find a way to get involved with the Alzheimer’s Association – and it changes from year to year. Some years we participate in the walk, other years it’s writing a check for research, and still others it’s raising awareness through the longest day initiative. It’s more important for us to ‘just do something’ than it is WHAT or HOW we do it – and we always make sure to do it in the name of ‘Grandma.’
  3. Take up their favorite hobby or activity. Maybe they quilted, or were a potter, or a tradesperson, or were really into parkour (you know more than jumping on stuff and yelling "parkour!" #ThanksMichaelScott). You'll learn something new and be reminded of them each time you enjoy your new activity 
  4. Engage in random intentional acts of kindness. Pick a day and commit to a certain number of kindness acts {there’s actually ‘happiness science’ behind batch-processing your acts of kindness instead of doing them as ‘one-off’ events – that’s why I suggest picking a specific number and doing them all in one day}. They could have a monetary value attached: like buying the coffee for the person behind you in line (while giving the barista your person's name for your own coffee) or not: like going out of your way to hold the door open for a stranger with full arms or letting THAT car cut in front of you without giving them the bird. You could be physically present for the act – like the suggestions above – or you could leave a little note {asking the recipient to pay it forward to another or even sharing it on social media}. Part of the fun is getting to be creative in deciding how you want to do it!
  5. Write them a letter. Get out the pen and paper and do it the old school way. There is something truly magical about taking those thoughts and emotions from your head to your heart to your hand and out on the page toward healing. You can say all the things you never could say (or didn't get around to saying) while they were alive. Maybe it's an interaction that really meant a lot to you or a story you never got to share with them... You can file your letter away for posterity – or you can snap a picture of it (again, for posterity) and light it on fire letting your words float up to meet them in the heavens.

One thing that has always brought me a little bit of comfort and solace is knowing that just because a person is gone it doesn't mean the relationship is over. In my case, just because my child died it doesn’t mean that I am not still a mother. Just like most moms; I aim to set a good example for my daughter and do things that would make her proud of me... I just look up to the sky when I want to talk to my Maddie (instead of down at a tweenager).

The ideas I've shared today might not resonate with your heart – that wasn’t really the true point. They are intended to be a starting point to inspire your own unique ways of honoring your loved one. I hope what they did do was open up your heart and mind to think about ways you can honor your person that are unique to them, you, and your special relationship. The most important thing is that whatever you choose feels meaningful to you and reflects your special connection you share with your person.

Your person’s name doesn’t have to be etched on the side of a building or on official Internal Revenue Service paperwork for your honoring techniques to be meaningful. What matters most is that it feels authentic to you and honors the unique bond you share.

Your story, experiences, and relationship are uniquely yours and also grief can be universal.  Above all, I hope you can always 'Remember. You're not alone.'