So far, we've looked at practical aspects of advance planning – paperwork, decision-making, etc. Now, we're going to move a little more toward relational matters. As we live, we create relationships and relational energy. These relationships and how you leave them when you die will be a large part of your legacy. Do those you love know how important they are to you? Are there people with whom you have lost contact and regret doing so? Have you fought with someone and never resolved it? Is there anything unsaid between you and anyone else in your life?
As you begin to contemplate how you'd like to leave this world and—more importantly—how you’d like your survivors to remember you, please know that unresolved conflicts and unspoken words may weigh heavily on those we love after we die. Consider this question: If you were walking down the street and saw someone from your life coming towards you, would you try to avoid them? This is an obvious clue that we have unfinished relational business with someone in our lives. It could be a disagreement with a family member, a misunderstanding with a friend, or a falling out with a colleague. Are there things you have always wanted to tell someone you love but haven't done so yet? Is there someone you keep meaning to call but never get around to doing so? Let's look at how we might resolve open conflicts and lost connections, and make sure those we love know how important they are to us.
Those We Love
Do those you love know how much they matter to you? If you died suddenly and didn't have a chance to say goodbye, what would you want them to know? We can begin to change things now as well as leave a beautiful gift for our survivors. Here are a couple of ways we can start to make sure that our loved ones know how important they are to us:
- Say I love you as frequently as is comfortable for both of you
- Kiss or hug goodbye if your loved one is open to this kind of interaction
- For those you see less frequently, occasionally send them a short text thanking them for being in your life, for a specific time you've spent together, or for something they've done for you. This does not have to be flowery or emotional. For instance, you can say, "Thanks so much for walking my dog for me last Thursday—I appreciate you!" or "I'm grateful for the time we spent together last weekend. It was really fun."
- Once a year, write a letter to the closest four or five people in your life going over the past year and the times you've shared, the things they've done that have made you proud, and thanking them for the ways they've supported and helped you. Put this letter in a sealed envelope and leave it with your advance planning paperwork. Imagine these yearly letters' beautiful impact on your loved ones as they read them after you’ve died!
Those We've Had Conflicts With
For relationships that have ended with bad feelings or an unresolved fight, consider reaching out in some way if it is emotionally safe to do so (more on this later). Even if you don't want to rekindle the relationship, writing a letter of forgiveness or apologizing for something you have done can clear the air and help you feel less uncomfortable if you do run into them in the street, per the example above. This is especially important if you owe someone an apology – even if it feels uncomfortable, you will feel much lighter and freer after taking responsibility for something you've done that may have wronged someone.
Forgiving someone for something that has hurt or injured you does not mean you are relieving them of the responsibility for their actions. Forgiveness is a way of freeing yourself. In an article for Psychology Today, Dr. Matt Brown says, "Forgiving someone does not mean forgetting or excusing their behavior and action; it means choosing to let go of the negative impact their actions have on your emotional well-being." It may feel like we are giving them a pass, but in actuality, we are taking back control of the narrative and empowering ourselves.
How might you do this with someone who has hurt you badly? First, make sure you are acknowledging your own pain and honoring your response. Trying to understand their motivation can also help as you move forward. Expressing both your pain and your forgiveness of them without excusing them can look something like this: “When you did XX, I was so upset and felt so hurt. I may not understand why you did what you did, but I want you to know how I feel about it. Your actions affected me greatly, and it's important to me that you realize their impact." If you are considering reviving the relationship, this offers them an opportunity to apologize, although they might need some time to digest your words. If you don't want to resurrect the relationship, you can end with something like this: "I've moved on now and don't feel the need to discuss this more, but I wanted you to know how I felt." If necessary, add, "Please don't try to contact me as I'm not interested in trying to work this out." Remember, you are taking back control by doing this. This means you are not responsible for what the other person makes this mean for themselves. You are only responsible for what you say, so craft your words carefully.
Whether or not you do this in person or through a letter (which you may or may not send) depends on whether it is emotionally safe for you to contact this person. There may be some instances where it is not, and if that's the case, you can perform a ritual with the letter, like burning it (safely) or ripping it up as a way of letting go. You can also wait before sending the letter, rereading it in a month or so to see how your feelings have changed or resolved themselves. It is your choice how you decide to handle this.
Those We've Lost Touch With
If you've lost touch with someone entirely and want to reconnect, try approaching this gently, as you won't know how they'll feel about your reaching out. You can send a text or an email saying, "I've been thinking of you and wanting to reconnect. Are you open to this? If so, let's make a plan." This way, if the person has moved on, they can let you know non-confrontationally or, if they do want to be in touch, respond in the affirmative. Either way, it will probably make them feel good to know they were on your mind.
The Power of Resolution
Once you've reviewed your relationships using the attached worksheet and decided how you want to move forward, you'll likely feel a great sense of relief. The number one reflection of those who are imminently dying is that they wish they had spent more time on their relationships. Nothing feels worse than having a bunch of unresolved conflicts lurking in the back of our minds or the feeling that we'll never get a chance to tell a loved one something. By bringing light to this area, you also offer others an opportunity to find peace. Since it's important to be honest with ourselves through this process, approach this gently. It's hard work but very worth it in the end.
Worksheet
