Note: Names have been changed to protect the privacy of those mentioned

Six weeks after her mother’s death from cancer, Jane felt as if she was failing at grieving.

Whenever she tried to talk to her sister about the deep sadness she still felt, her sister would say, “It was Mom’s time to go Jane – you have to move on.”

And her brother had grown impatient with her; one day when Jane asked him if he still thought about the way their mother’s face looked as she lay dying (an image stuck in Jane’s head), her brother had snapped, “For God’s sake Jane why do you want to talk about that! Mom’s passing is not about you! Did you really want to see her suffer anymore?”

So Jane’s daily goal became “keeping it together” until she was alone and then allowing herself to cry: she cried after her six-year-old daughter went to school; cried at night downstairs in the family room after everyone had gone to bed; cried sitting in her car in the grocery store parking lot.  Until one day after dinner, Jane’s daughter asked, “Mama, can we go see Nana?” and Jane began to cry uncontrollably. The frightened look on her daughter’s face made Jane cry even harder, “Oh my God,” Jane thought. ”I’m such a mess I’m ruining my daughter too.”

After Jane’s husband ushered their daughter out of the room, he returned with a flyer promoting a grief support group at their church. “I’ve wanted to give you this but didn’t know if I should,” he said and then explained how he hadn’t been sure how to listen or what to say to Jane since her mother’s death but “it sounds like this sort of group might help with things like that.”

And it did. The group’s 12-week format seemed to suit Jane perfectly. In the first group session Jane learned everyone has a “grieving style” and her emotional style wasn’t wrong but, rather, different than the way her siblings were approaching the loss of their mother. It was such a relief to learn she wasn’t being “selfish” in wanting to talk about painful memories that Jane found it unexpectedly easy to share what she felt with a group of strangers who briefly became “important short-term friends.”

In the support group Jane made what the group leader - a trained grief therapist - called a “commitment to heal” and grow. The commitment included learning and practicing mindfulness-based relaxation and coping skills, writing a “love” letter to her mother, making a “feeling and healing collage” and more. At home, Jane kept a battery-operated candle burning for the duration of the 12-week program, a ritual suggested by the support group leader; when the program concluded, Jane turned off the candle, feeling ready and able to move forward with her loss. Six-months-later Jane became my client with the intention of exploring “some grief completion work now that I’m feeling more healed.”

Grief Support Groups - What You Need to Know

After the death of a loved one there is often an expectation that family and friends can and will provide all the care and support we need. But as Jane’s story shows, that isn’t always the case. It is this unmet expectation that often leads people struggling to process loss to seek either group support or individual professional outlets for help in grief-healing.

Grief support groups are available at funeral homes, churches, hospices, hospitals, mental health clinics and community center. The groups are usually free, offering a financial alternative to individualized therapy if cost is an issue. That said, it is important to remember that group support is just that: support. It is not therapy and if you are in need of therapy a grief group may not be right for you.

I’ve led support groups for cancer patients and survivors, as well groups for family members who have lost a loved one to cancer. My experience as an individual counselor and group support facilitator has shown me that many factors influence someone’s support group experience in ways either positive (“I felt seen and heard”) or negative (“I felt discouraged and stuck”). Most often a negative experience is due to a lack of readiness on the part of the griever (it feels too soon and overwhelming). But sometimes a particular group may not suit a griever’s personality, background or support needs, requiring some research or trial and error in order to find a good fit.    

For your consideration, here are some general thoughts and guidelines of what to look for in a good grief support group:

1. A trained and competent group leader.
A good leader can make or break a grief support group!

Years ago I had a short-term client who was seeking advice on how to end a grief support group for widows she had been facilitating for eight years. Julie had started the group at her church after her husband died; she had a strong desire to help others who shared the experience of loss of a spouse but no official training in grief counseling, peer counseling or group facilitation. Julie told me many of the group members had been with the group since its inception, and were “still talking about their loss as if it had happened yesterday.” Julie had slowly – and finally – come to the conclusion that her lack of training was “somehow keeping people stuck rather than helping them heal.” And she was right. It is not enough that a group leader want to help – they have to know how to help.    

A good group facilitator has had some sort of training either as a certified grief support specialist, professional therapist or mental health expert. If the facilitator is a peer (meaning someone who has experienced a loss similar to your own) then check to make sure they have gone through some sort of peer group facilitation program.    

A good facilitator knows how to: skillfully handle group dynamics; foster a safe and nonjudgmental space; rein in dominant personalities and give appropriate attention to those who are withdrawn; and provide all group members with a sense of being welcome, seen and heard.

A good facilitator also recognizes that even when there is a shared type of loss, that grief is still an individual experience different for everyone.

And a good facilitator has had personal experience of loss and grief processing and can relate in a real rather than theoretical way to what group members are going through.

2. A good facilitator will also guide participants in ways to “unstick” when they get “stuck.” 
Not too long ago, a pastor shared with me his “failed” group support experience. The pastor’s son had died of a drug overdose, leaving the pastor and other family members feeling distraught, confused and mired in a sense of hopelessness. The Pastor and his wife chose to join a grief support group for family members who had also lost a loved one to overdose; three years later the Pastor dropped out of the group because “we all seemed to be stuck at the beginning of our stories of loss, and were given no direction on how to unstick.”  

The grieving process is a journey, taking us from the depths of the pain of loss and the myriad difficult emotions and thoughts that are inherent in those depths, and toward a new - still unknown - future but one offering the potential for renewed hope, optimism and a sense of belonging. In order for this forward movement to occur, we need to know how to “unstick” when we get “stuck.”

A good facilitator also recognizes that just talking about loss without providing a new way of seeing and being with a loss can keep us stuck in that loss.

And a good grief facilitator will expose you to models for grief-healing such as continuing bonds (see the blog: Continuing Bonds with Your Loved One after Death), The Four Task of Mourning (see the blog: The Four Tasks of Mourning) and The Grief Recovery Method (see the blog: What do you wish had been different?). Such models provide structure for forward movement, helping lessen overwhelm caused by “this is too much to figure out” by framing grief processing as something doable.

3. An educational component. 
A good grief group has an educational component, providing you with a better understanding of what grief is (including secondary losses), how grief can be processed, and models for healing. For example, in her grief group, Jane learned that grief is an individual experience different for everyone and that there are no right or wrong grief emotions. She also learned tools for processing loss including stress management and relaxation techniques, how to journal, and expressive art activities such as collage-making. And she learned that loss is a universal experience, the pain of which can be gotten through with time and self-kindness.

4. Provides an organized structure and stated intentions.   
An organized structure can include:
•    A commitment to confidentiality (written or spoken)
•    An understanding that you are in a judgment free space
•    A list of things to say and not to say (and/or how to say or not say things)
•    The understanding that sharing is to be done to each individual’s own comfort level without pressure to share more or be a certain way
•    A cap on the number of participants (my preference is 5 – 10 people; more than 15 participants is too many)

5. Self-empowerment.
Ultimately, a good grief support group offers you a sense of self-empowerment to move forward with what has been lost by helping you to access what I call your inner healer. Your inner healer is the wise “inner you” that can take the ideas and tools you learned and experiences you had in your grief support group and use them to empower you to live in a world without your loved one in it with renewed hope, optimism and appreciation for the life and journey still ahead.