Two very different end-of-life stories, both true:
J’s Story:
“J was a humble man, a devout Catholic who supported his big family by working as a janitor in the post office. J was a bit like the class clown, considered an oddball by his siblings and father. J created a notebook for his wife and five children so they would know what to do when he transitioned. The notebook contained all the legal documents (Advance Directives, Powers of Attorney, Will) plus J's requests for memorial service and burial. When J passed away suddenly in 2007, my husband and I witnessed the comfort, relief, and lack of conflict J's survivors felt by knowing his wishes. I think he'd be surprised and delighted about his impact on the family!”
-Marti B., J's sister-in-law, as told to the author.
B’s Story:
"B was my wife, though we lived separate lives, financially, with separate bank accounts. Her being here [in the hospital], dying, is a total shock. I just found out that her insurance doesn't cover hospitalization, and I'm worried I will lose our home. Her family insists that there is a will and that she will leave money since she was a successful corporate accountant. I don't even know the name of her lawyer, and I have no idea if she has ever left a will or anything else. I don't even know if she would want to be taken off this ventilator or not. Her family wants a big funeral, and they want me to pay for it since they're convinced we have a lot of money. I don't even know where to start."
-D., husband to B, on a ventilator dying in Intensive Care, as told to the author
The difference between these two families comes down to one thing: advance planning. You or others you know may have gone through something like one or the other of these scenarios. In any case, whether or not you engage in advance planning will shape not only what happens to you at the end of your life but also the experiences of your family members in the days and weeks (and possibly years) following your death. Given how so much of our fear of death is tied to a lack of control over its inevitability, doesn’t it seem like a good decision to take some control back?
What Exactly is Advance Planning?
Advance planning simply means creating plans and sharing these plans through documents and conversations about how you would like your affairs handled by others as you die and after you die. Many books have been published recently on advance planning, with humorous titles like I'm Dead, Now What? Important Sh*t I Need You To Do When I Die, and my own personal favorite (title, not publication) Sorry, It's Your Problem Now – Because I'm Dead. All kidding aside, these planning manuals can be helpful in clarifying what you need, but it can feel overwhelming to start the process.
I think we can simplify advance planning, and over the next couple of months in this series, we’ll break down medical, legal, and legacy documents that can help you and your family as you approach the end of your life (and after you die.). There are many layers to this process – you can assemble the highest priority items only or delve deeper and spend more time identifying your exact wishes for things like your funeral service and how you'd like to be remembered. It's always better to start with the most simple, cover those bases, and then go deeper. We'll break everything down for you so it feels manageable and understandable. We'll help you determine what you want to share now with those who will be involved and what you can release only after your death (for instance – you might not want to share your will now if you are still living).
Why It Matters
As we've seen, how you plan for your end of life can have a profound effect on your family members and how they grieve and remember you. Marti and her family started their grief journey, able to mourn J. purely while feeling gratitude and peace over the end of his life and how they were able to fulfill his wishes. It will take D. months to work through B.'s affairs before he can even start to grieve and remember the good times they had together, and he will likely be dealing with residual feelings of overwhelm and resentment for some time.
Advance planning can also help you actively shape what happens as you approach death – what treatment interventions you would/would not consider, where you'd like to die (if it is possible to choose in your particular circumstance), who you'd like to be with you (or if you'd like to be alone), what individuals and causes will benefit from your life experiences and financial value, where your possessions will go, etc. Thinking about and articulating your wishes will not make death "more likely," but it will help you take some control back.
As you begin to consider how you'd like to approach your end-of-life planning, Death Doula Alua Arthur suggests you consider these three questions:
Who did I love?
How did I love?
Was I loved?
Contemplating these questions begins something called a ‘life review’ and can help you turn toward the advanced planning process with an open mind and heart. As Psychology Today says, "By reviewing and processing their life experiences, individuals can gain a sense of control and mastery over their own narrative, reducing feelings of helplessness and hopelessness."
Moving Forward
On the worksheet below, you'll begin to develop your "why" around advance planning and assess where you are right now in the process. Generally, people don't do things they don't want to do and do things they do want to do, so discerning why you want to engage in the advance planning process is really important. As we are considering our own end of life, we may begin to feel feelings of freedom and even, yes, excitement. This is natural; as we confront our fears, we are setting ourselves free.
Worksheet
Module Three: Identifying Your Why? Or Why Not?
Next month, we'll start to get into specifics – what legal documents you already have and which you need, how to work with a lawyer, how to store your legal documents, whether you might need a trust or a will, etc. In engaging in advance planning, you are giving your descendants a gift, as well as yourself. This is important work, and you should feel proud!
Next in the Series
A Good Death Part Four: Documents You'll Want for Your Good Death
