Can You Practice Dying?

Note: Names have been changed to protect the privacy of those mentioned.

Life is often a practice of dying.

Every time we move from one place to another, end a relationship, or change jobs something is left behind, even as something new awaits us. The skill with which we handle such transitional events – going through the doorway of what was to what now is or will be – often has to do with if we chose change or if change was thrust upon us.

Choosing change involves conscious preparation; by the time a transition occurs we have already done much of the acknowledgment or loss work required to move forward with confidence and ease. But when change is unexpected or unwanted our tendency can be to fight against it out of fear - fear of the unknown. Fear that life is now out of our control. Fear that we may not have the ability to cope.

Just as intentional preparation can aid us in skillfully handling any fears we might have about non-death-related life changes and transitions, intentional preparation can also aid us in releasing fears about life’s final transition: death. We can learn to do this by consciously practicing dying; this might sound scary – but what does it really mean?

What if You Prepared for Death as if it Were a Birth?

Many spiritual practices talk about death as a rebirth into some sort of eternal life. We might understand this concept intellectually and even repeat with conviction what our particular religious or spiritual teachings say on the subject and yet have lingering doubts and fears regarding a life to be lived beyond the confines of earth. But what if you chose to prepare in practical and concrete ways for death as if it were a birth? Would it help alleviate your doubts and fears? For most people – like Anna - the answer is “yes.”

Several years ago, 44-year-old Anna attended a “Soulful Aging” workshop series I presented at her church. Anna’s mother had died several months prior to the workshop. In the workshop we explored how to navigate aging-related issues such as loss of physical functioning, negative societal messages regarding aging, the inevitability of death, and more from a non-judgmental spiritual perspective. On the last day of class participants were each asked to write a “birthing plan” that could be followed at end-of-life to foster a peaceful or “happy” death/rebirth. Writing guidelines included the concept of creating a sacred space in which birth or rebirth were part of the continuum of life; elements of the death/birthing plan could include:

• Breathing techniques to be learned and done that would allow for letting go of the body with ease
• Environmental choices: Soft lighting or filtered sunlight or a darkened room? Music or silence? Home or hospice or hospital? Aromatherapy or open windows letting in outdoor/nature scents? Favorite personal items in the room or a room clear of all clutter? Type of bed and bedding that would offer the most physical and emotional comfort?
• Choices regarding people to be present: Parents? Children? Friends? Siblings? Significant others? How many people at one time and how often? Who would you like to be present at end-of-life for your last days, last hours, last breath? Do you want those gathered to touch you or keep a physical distance? Do you want those gathered to serve in any sort of care-giver capacity (administering medication, giving sponge baths etc.) or would you prefer care-giving to be done by professionals – nurses or hospice workers?
• Choices regarding pain management: traditional end-of-life anxiety and pain meditations? Acupuncture? Massage? Or?

Following the writing of birthing/death plans I led workshop participants through a death meditation. When the meditation was over Anna noticeably began to cry, then said aloud to the rest of the class, “Oh my. I think I was so wrong about my mom’s death. I’m crying now because I’m so happy, so happy. Wow. All this time I was thinking it was so horrible for Mom- that it had to be because death must be horrible and painful. But now I see that her death could have been very peaceful, beautiful for her – and it was me putting my own fears on her experience that influenced what I thought happened.”

What is Death Meditation?

Death meditation involves a variety of mindful exercise and visualization practices aimed at lessening our anxieties, fears and misunderstandings about death and dying. Rooted in Buddhist thought, death meditation techniques increase our awareness of the impermanent nature of earthly life through the contemplation of death as a sequel to life that we can prepare for by practicing dying; in Buddhist thought increasing awareness of impermanence can increase our appreciation of our own mortality, helping us live more fully in the present and thereby promoting sustainable inner ease, inner peace and self-compassion.

Three Advanced Death Meditation Practices

Guided Meditation on Dying
The death meditation that Anna found so comforting is a guided meditation I modified from the book, “Guided Meditations, Explorations and Healings” by spiritualist Stephen Levine; it is a Tibetan meditation practice I do frequently. Practitioners of Buddhism might periodically do this meditation throughout adult life to gain peaceful acceptance of the impermanent nature of the body, mind and emotions. The meditation begins with asking participants to picture where in their home they might like to be when they die. The meditation lasts approximately 20 – 30 minutes, beginning with noticing the body and breath in the body, feeling the heaviness of the body, and then finding awareness of a light or lighter “body” within the physical body. As the meditation continues the meditator is asked to imagine each breath as a last breath, the body eventually dissolving, becoming one with a vast boundless space. At the end of the meditation the meditator is guided back to fully feeling their body and then asked to fully return to the room where the meditation began.

Because I was a frequent workshop and sermon-presenter at Anna’s church, I knew that the guided dying meditation would be well-received; all the same I gave workshop-goers the option of opting out of the meditation. Guided dying meditation is a more advanced death meditation practice that can first require training in other aspects of death exploration and preparation.

Guided Death Transition Meditation
I often take end-of-life clients, friends and family members through guided death transition meditations. Death transition meditations focus not only on letting go of attachment to the body, mind and emotions but also the releasing of fear, confusion and bewilderment that often arise with letting go. Transition death meditations are done at the end-of-life - usually during the days, hours and even minutes prior to death; in death transition meditation the mediator or dying person is not guided back to the body but instead is guided toward a complete release of the body.

There are classic guided death transition meditations that can be found in ancient texts like the “Tibetan Book of the Dead” or more modern books such as Stephen Levin’s “Guided Meditations, Explorations and Healings.” Death transition meditations can also be individualized, drawn from life experiences an individual found particularly profound or inspiring. For example: my sister Paula was a mountain climber who considered nature her cathedral. At end-of-life I often took her through a death transition meditation in which she climbed higher and higher on a mountain and then once she reached the mountain’s peak floated into space toward bright and infinite stars.

Again, this is a practice that is optimally done with the help of someone trained in guiding death transition meditation, or after an individual has gained comfort and skill in other death meditation practices.

Visualizing the Body Decay
A client once told me about a death workshop she had attended in which meditators first wrote their own eulogy and then were shrouded in a white sheet by the workshop facilitator; the meditators were then asked to visualize the slow and complete decaying process of their own bodies. My client described the experience as “interesting, enlightening but not for everyone – especially if you haven’t first done other death practices.”

Beginning Dying Practices

Savasana or Corpse Pose
If you have ever taken a yoga class you have already experienced practicing dying; traditional yoga classes always end with savasana or corpse pose, a practice that involves lying still, taking slow, deep breaths, and gradually lengthening exhales. The goal of practicing savasana is to calmly prepare for death by over time dissolving or healing the fear of death.

Body Scan Meditation
My client Jon came to hate his body after back surgery left him in chronic, debilitating pain. In one client session I guided Jon through a mindfulness-based stress reduction body scan in which he was asked to observe his body without judgment, not asking his body to let go of pain but rather to accept and be with pain and his body as it was with awareness – which is the essence of mindfulness-based body scanning. The exercise was done with closed eyes; when Jon opened his eyes he looked stunned and began to cry. He then said, “I’m not my body; I’m a soul. I could feel that – how can that be?”
More than once I’ve seen clients and workshop participants respond to body scanning in this way. The practice of body scan meditation can help to let go of identification of the body as the self and in doing so release fears about dying.

Attend a Death Café or Death Dinner Party
Talking about our fears about death and dying is the first step in relieving those fears. Death cafes and dinner parties provide a way to explore our thoughts, feelings and beliefs about death and dying in a supportive, nonjudgmental and healing environment.

Remembering A Life Dinner Parties

Related Remembering A Life Blog Posts

Welcome to the Death Dinner Party!
The Next of Kin Box: Leave Fond Memories, Not a Mess
What does “Death Positive” Mean?
From Death Denial to Death Acceptance

Other Resources

The Tibetan Book of the Dead (ancient text)
The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying (ancient text)
The Toltec Art of Life and Death by Don Miguel Ruiz
The Art of Dying Well: A Practical Guide to a Good End of Life by Katy Butler
Advice for Future Corpses: A Practical Perspective on Death and Dying by Sallie Tisdale
Guided Meditations, Explorations and Healings by Stephen Levine